Week six.

Well, that time has come.. the time when I can no longer justifiably postpone updating this stupid blog. sighh. Let's talk about week six. But first let's talk a little about the end of week five.

During week five, I was doing quite well away for work. I found it surprisingly easy to eat well, and although I did have my moments (mostly involving the unavoidable need for caffeine), I never felt like I was out of control.

Here's some insight into how my mind works. In a nutshell, I am all or nothing. I have tried to mediate this some, I even bought a book called Small Change to see if I could learn how to be a more moderate person, but again and again I have found that I have to do things 100% or not at all. This is in no way meant to be some kind of bragging disguised as a woeful admittance, because about 98% of the time, I'm at zero percent. How ironic is that? I'm all or nothing, except in my all or nothing percentage. What. I want an iced coffee. And stop analyzing whether or not that situation is actually ironic. The 13 people in the world who know the true definition of ironic and can give good examples and correct the rest of the population when they misuse the term... you go on and git.

So here's my point: if I start to do something 100% and I feel myself slipping in any way, I feel as though I have failed, and I truly don't know the difference between 99% and 1%. For example, if I am on a hardcore diet and I break down one day and have a pop, it's pretty much a given that I'll also have ice cream, a frappuccino, chips and salsa, and a frozen pizza by the time the day is done. And I'll swear to start over the next day.

The problem with that when attempting something like a low-sugar diet lies in the addictive nature of sugar. Toward the end of week five, I had slipped a few times, but I didn't lose my stride because I think I had expected to go all out and I was feeling pretty good about the progress I had made. But more importantly than that was the fact that I didn't feel like I wanted to eat. I didn't have the physical cravings. It was no skin off my back if I passed something up, and I attribute that to the lack of a sugar addiction raging inside.

I think I must have started to feel that I deserved a day off. Or maybe I just felt like I had finally kicked cravings and I could maintain control even by giving in occasionally. I'm not sure exactly how it snowballed, but without getting into too many gory details, I was derailed this week. Big time. Full-on sugar festival. And flour and potatoes and fast food.

Every single day I intended to get back on track, and the frustrating thing to me is this annoying all-or-nothing personality that I don't really know how to overcome. If I couldn't start the day off with breakfast, I didn't even try for lunch or dinner. Before I knew it, I was drinking pop with every meal, coffee at work, fast food for lunch, junk food for supper, etc. And I was right back to feeling completely out of control.

But there's more. I want you all to understand the physical hold that sugar/flour/dairy (or the so-called "white menace") can have on a person.

We already covered the mental component. Cravings dominated my days. I felt as though I had no control over what I chose to eat. It was easy for me to justify eating whatever I wanted.

Physically, this is how I felt this week:

-exhausted. Head-bobbing-at-work, trying-to-keep-my-eyes-open-while-driving, fall-asleep-while-standing-up exhausted. And the scariest thing to me is how familiar this feeling is. I had forgotten how tired I felt before I gave up sugar and dairy. So far today I've had more naps than Jett has. I get nothing done when I feel this way.

-sluggish and weak. Probably related to the sheer exhaustion, but I simply cannot muster the energy to do anything. Even type this blog, for example. But things like washing bottles, throwing clothes in the wash, making the bed, and showering feel like a lot of work. When I do stand up, I see bursts of light and shooting stars and I have to sit back down in a big hurry.

-irritable, mopey, moody. I can feel my tolerance slipping. I'm a total crab at work. I'm crabby from the second I wake up in the morning. The only time I'm not crabby.. is when I'm eating. Sounds like an addiction to me..?!?!

-persistent stomach-aches. I just don't feel good. Most days, hardly good enough to get out of bed.

-congested. I don't have a cold, but my ears are plugged, my throat is thick, my sinuses are congested. I'm confident this is mostly the dairy.

-racing heart. Perhaps it's only attributable to the sugar and caffeine, but for as exhausted as I feel, I often lay in bed and just feel my heart race.

-headaches. Daily, pounding headaches.

-chest pains. It's hard to describe these. They aren't like a radiating chest pain. It's more of an intermittent shooting pain in between my ribs.

-shortness of breath. I feel 8 months pregnant. Climbing the stairs at work is tough. Any kind of exertion makes me see stars (like standing up, as mentioned earlier).

The thing that is so unbelievable to me is that I used to feel like this all the time. And while I was switching to low sugar/no dairy, I didn't notice as each of these symptoms vanished. I didn't even realize how great I felt until I slipped back into my old habits. Now that I'm fully immersed in how I used to feel, I think I will be able to pull out of this thing and start fresh.

One thing that I'm realizing with this little week-by-week experiment is that although there is a focus on the percentage lost each week, for me the real focus is on how I feel. I don't want to go the rest of my life feeling like this. I want to feel as great as I did a few weeks ago. At least now I know how attainable it is. I just need to get my momentum back. Wish me luck.

ps. My weight went up 1.91% this week. Amazing. I was consistently seeing the weight come off, and now in one week I have added almost 2% back on. I won't be taking any more holidays any time soon.